Realism vs. Self Doubt

You want to know something that I love about running (aside from the fact that it makes walking down stairs just a little bit harder...)?  You can find so many spectacular metaphors for life in running.  Last Friday evening, as I was making my weekly ritual salad + veggies + spaghetti dinner, I was talking with my good friend, Beth (also a runner), on the phone.  As many of you know, I was in hard-core pursuit of hitting a specific time goal when I run the Lincoln Half Marathon on May 6th.  I was training to run the half marathon in less than 2 hours and 10 minutes.  But, with the recent knee injury, requiring a couple weeks of no running and a couple more of very limited running, I have been questioning whether or not my goal is still realistic. 

So, Beth and I got to talking a little about this idea of being realistic (crazy, right?).  And as we were talking, I realized that, for me, it's not realism I struggle with so much - at least not when setting running goals, or usually, any other kind of goals - but self doubt.  For example, last year, I also had the goal of running the half marathon under 2 hours and 10 minutes.  I trained well.  I was ready to go.  I had a terrible race (meaning I felt like absolute crap from the get-go) and still came in at 2:13:27.  My goal was realistic.  But I doubted whether or not I could run 13.1 miles at the pace I needed to in order to meet the goal.  I doubted whether or not I could maintain my pace after running up the 20th St. hill.  I doubted whether or not I could hold on during those last few miles.  And all of that doubt blew my realistic goal right out of the water.

This year, training was going spectacularly.  I was finding it easy to maintain paces around 10 minutes/mile and I was loving it.  Just before (or on the cusp of) the injury, I ran 5 miles in Lincoln with my good friend Lana and we ran the last two miles in at around a 9:15 pace.  Comfortably.  I was certain that 2:10 would be no problem this year.  Now, though, I'm getting back into shape.  I'm walking a very fine line between pushing myself to come back too quickly and getting back to pre-injury speed.  And as I struggle through the tough runs thinking, "I'm totally hitting a 10:30 pace right now" only to look down at the Garmin and see 11's and 11:30s, I can feel the doubt creeping in.  I wonder, "Is my goal still realistic?"  Or, "How am I going to run 13 miles at a 9:58 pace when I can barely run 3 miles at an 11:00 pace now?"  So, on the one hand, I don't want to set myself up for another injury or disappointment by hanging on to an unrealistic, unattainable goal.  But, on the other hand and more importantly, I don't want to let self doubt get the best of me...

Very, very, very luckily, I ended up having a fantastic long run on Saturday.  It restored my faith in my fitness, my current running ability, and myself.  It made me realize that doubting myself isn't going to get me anywhere that I want to be.

And that's where the metaphor for life comes in.  It's important to be realistic in life. I mean, walking around thinking I'm most certainly the next Sarah Hrdy (sorry for the inside anthro nerd reference) or that I can run a 1:30 half marathon also won't do me much good. 

But, self doubt, and ESPECIALLY self doubt masquerading as realism, isn't going to get me anywhere I want to be in my life.  Doubting myself won't help me be a better student, write better papers, or be a successful academic.  Doubting myself will also not help me be a better friend, daughter, or sister.  And it won't help me be successful in romantic relationships.  In fact, self doubt will most certainly hinder my ability to do all of those things.  Humility and realism are good.  But belief in yourself, trust in your own abilities, is even better.

Friends, please weigh in on this!  Do you more often find yourself in the "need to be more realistic" or "need to stop doubting and go for it" camp?  Where is the line between the two?  And how do you walk that line?

Tuesday Love and a (non)Running Update

I'm going to get some haters for what I'm about to say, but I don't care.  I'm going to do it anyway.

I LOVE TUESDAYS.  And here's why:

On Tuesdays, I have no class and no work.  That's right.  You heard me.  I get to stay home - in my pajamas - all day.  I get to savor my coffee and I always, always have oatmeal for breakfast.  I get to clean up my kitchen after I make breakfast, and I get to cuddle with the kitty.  Now, before you go getting all "Graduate students' lives are SOOOO EASY!" on me, I should mention that I actually do work on Tuesdays.  I just don't have to shower or change out of my sweatpants to do it.  On Tuesdays, I typically have approximately 38 hours of reading for class to fit into 12 hours of awake time.  I also have papers to work on, a dissertation proposal to write (after I figure out what I'll actually be writing about, anyway), and grants to apply for.  But, the glory of Tuesdays is that I can do these things on my couch, in my bed, at my desk, or sprawled out across my living room floor.  I also have the flexibility to write a blog post at, say, 10 a.m. if I so choose.  So, yes.  I love Tuesdays.

Usually, on Tuesdays, I also run 4 miles and do some hill repeats.  Cause, yeah, I'm training for that half marathon thing.  Aside from that week of waning motivation, training had been going spectacularly.  I was running faster than I expected and feeling pretty darn good about it.  In fact, I had a whole "Yoga breaks me down, but running builds me up" post in mind because of how in love with running I've been lately.  Unfortunately, after a lovely 8 mile run a couple of weekends ago, I woke up the following day unable to walk without a fair amount of pain.  Every time I bent my left leg, I felt like someone was cracking me across the kneecap with a baseball bat.  Bummer.  So, instead of going to the gym and lifting, I took a rest day.  The next day, I was feeling a bit better, so I headed to the gym, jumped (not really - more like stepped) on the treadmill, ran approximately 4 steps and then got right back off.  Ouch.  I stationary-biked it and lifted some weights instead.

That was last Monday.  Tuesday and Wednesday were total rest days.  Thursday, I was pain free!  So, (smartly) I went for a glorious 5 mile run with a good friend in Lincoln.  The weather was nice, my legs felt springy, my feet felt light, and I felt so darn good!  Until I stopped running...  Damn it.  Friday back to painful walking.  Saturday in the pool and even swimming hurt!  Sunday rest.  Monday, stationary bike and weights.  Today, I STILL have pain.  So, I am declaring today and maybe tomorrow total rest days.  Then, we'll see how the good old knee is feeling.  Maybe Thursday will be a yoga day.  Maybe Saturday, if I've been pain free for at least two days, I'll try a (very, very short) run.  Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for me.  I'd really like to get back to that whole "Running is wonderful, I'm on top of the world" feeling.  Thanks.

Until then, a lot of this will be happening:

(Those are ice packs on my knees, if you were wondering.)

At least I have something pretty and uplifting to look at while I ice:

How are your Tuesdays going, friends?

Finding Motivation

This last week, I have been severely lacking in motivation.  I have not been motivated to do A.NY.THING.  Well, except lay in bed and watch re-runs of Modern Family on Hulu...  As of Saturday morning, I had officially half-assed my homework for the week and had only run once (!!!).  Instead, I had gone out with people from school and/or had dinner with friends 5 out of 5 nights between Monday and Friday.  So, Saturday morning (the morning of my scheduled long run), as I sat in front of my computer, drinking my coffee, eating a leisurely bowl of oatmeal, I realized that I was starting to talk myself into putting off my run until Sunday.  It went a little something like this:  I'm kind of tired today.  If I get a good night's sleep tonight, I will feel more like running tomorrow.  Plus, it's already so late in the morning and I feel guilty about not running earlier.  If I just push my run back to tomorrow, I can get up and do it first thing.  And so on...

And then...  I said NO!

Sometimes, I think, lack of motivation comes from being tired and not taking good care of yourself (i.e. not getting enough sleep, eating out too much, etc.).  Sometimes, it comes from feeling overwhelmed and not knowing where or how to start (at least it does for me, anyway).  Sometimes it comes from fear or sadness or sometimes from an interest in something new and exciting.  In any case, I've been there and done that before.  And I know that the one, surefire way for me to get over the hump and get going is to remind myself of my goals.

So, yesterday, as I drank some water and waited for my breakfast to digest, I got busy.  I printed out my half marathon training plan, wrote my goal time on it, and hung it in my office near my desk.  I had been feeling pretty guilty (good, old fashioned Catholic guilt, no doubt...) about the fact that I'd only run once during the week.  But, when I looked at my schedule, I realized that there was something I could do about that.  I could run today (well, yesterday, but you get the picture).  Next, I printed out one of the journal articles that has recently inspired a couple of new ideas for my dissertation project.  Then, I made a to do list for the upcoming week.

Then...  I ran.

And I was really happy that I did.  As soon as I got home, I checked "Run 8 miles" off of my to do list.

This week, I am determined to get back on track with school work and with running.  Because I am committed to graduate school and I am committed to running the Lincoln Half Marathon on May 6th in less than 2 hours and 10 minutes.  And the more I remind myself of those goals and commitments, the more I keep them in front of my face, the more motivated I will be to do the things necessary to achieve them.

That's the plan, anyway.


What do you do when you've lost motivation?  Do you have any tricks or strategies for getting yourself back on track?

Lessons in Yoga: Lessons in Life

One thing I absolutely love about yoga is its ability to take the things (you know, the little issues, the little problems) that are hiding just under the surface, blow them up to gargantuan portions, and smack you across the face.  This is especially true in a particularly long or particularly hard class, like the one I was in tonight.  There are days when I walk into class thinking, "Gee.  Things are going pretty great - I don't know what I want to focus on!"  Some days I have something on my mind - an issue that I really want to work through during class (i.e. stress, an argument, etc.).  Other days, I go in with a bit of trepidation, thinking, "I'm not feeling up for this..."  Those are the days you know you're in for it.  You just know something is hiding in your subconscious, making you feel ... off, but you can't quite put your finger on it.  Then, in the middle of a sweaty, shaky pose, while the woman next to you is pulling it off without so much as a glisten on her forehead, it hits you like a ton of bricks.

I'll be frank with you...  This happened to me tonight.  And, luckily, the lesson I was smacked with in yoga class was also an important life lesson and, not surprisingly, one that I struggle with pretty often.

Here it is:  Don't compare yourself to others.  You are exactly where you need to be right now.

In yoga, everyone is at different levels and has different talents.  I, for example, love, love, LOVE pigeon pose and triangle, but I have always struggled with inversions.  Some people are more naturally flexible than others.  Some people have flexible shoulders and tight hips, or vice versa.

In life, it's no different.  Some people my age are married, some are single, and some used to be married, but aren't anymore.  Some people have 5 kids, some people aren't "there" yet, some don't want any kids, while others are struggling to get pregnant.  Some people have settled into less-than-fulfilling careers, some are fulfilled and successful, some are still searching.

And the lesson that I need to learn is that, in yoga class, I need to look straight ahead, to focus on myself, to pay attention to how I feel, to send myself little positive messages every now and then, to breathe, and to be happy with exactly where I am and what my body can do, no matter what anyone else can do.

In life, I need to do the same.  I need to remember that I am exactly where I need to be right now...

The Path Ahead

Hello friends,

The new semester has started and I am finally (after, what?, 7 months???) getting back into a routine.  I am a person who likes routine, so although I find my motivation for school a little harder to come by at the moment, I am happy that nearly all of my current life events fit neatly into an excel spreadsheet (only sort of kidding).

This weekend, I deviated from the plan a little and got some much needed R&R on Saturday instead of my usual morning long run.  I slept in until 11:30 *gasp* then got dressed and headed downtown to watch the Mizzou vs. Baylor men's basketball game over a giant beer with friends.  Yesterday, I made up my long run and was up bright and early to crank out the 6 miles ("long" runs are always relative - in a couple of months, I'll be up to 10 and 12 milers while my friends are running 18's and 20's, so I'm enjoying the 6's while I can).  It was one of those really great runs where you get lost in thought and the miles sort of fly by.  On the run, I realized:  I haven't really taken much time to think lately.  I haven't taken a lot of time to reflect on 2011 or to think about the things I really want for 2012.  I have been so busy dealing with the circumstances life has thrown at me over the last few weeks (or, for that matter, last several months!), that I failed to take the time to regroup and refocus.  Usually, I like to do that as a year winds down and a new one is still new.  But, I figure, it's never too late, and now is as good a time as any.

So, as I soaked up the hour of me time, I made a few decisions:
1.  I'm not yet entirely sure of the general direction I want to take my life in 2012.
2.  I think I have a WORD for 2012 (but I'll write more about that later).
3.  There are a few things that I know with certainty I want in 2012.  Goals if you will.

• I want to put more emphasis on my relationships with family and close friends.  
• I want to attend a Bengali language school in the summer (preferably the one in Dhaka).  
• I want to write a successful grant application that allows me to get back to Bangladesh and back to research ASAP.
• I want to submit 2 papers for publication this year (a decent number for a grad student, I think).
• I want to run a sub 2:10 half marathon in Lincoln on May 6th.

The last four are more tangible and also have very obvious steps that need to be taken in order to accomplish these goals.  The first, however, is a bit more abstract.  It's something that I hope to write more about later this week after I've given it some more thought.  I also plan to write a little more about my running goal when the time is right and when I've settled on a definite training plan.

I know that there are many more things I want to accomplish in 2012 and I know that at the end of the year, I want to feel like the intentions I set for myself in January (or February - whatever) have led me down a path that feels authentic to me.  I don't want to flail through the year, dealing with one thing after the next, without a path ahead to guide me.

Are you someone who likes routine?  Or are you a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of person?  Do you take time (at the end or beginning of a year, on your birthday, or whenever) to set some goals or intentions for the future?

In Defense of Books (you know... the ones made of paper...)

Dear friends,

I own a Kindle.  I bought it in preparation for my trip to Bangladesh at the end of last summer.  I bought the simplest version available (for $114) because I wanted it to be as much like reading a book as possible and didn't want to be distracted by email notifications, etc. while reading (imagine my annoyance when, just 1 month later, Kindle announced their even simpler version for a much simpler $79...).  And it works out pretty well.  I can read a book with no e-Distractions from my e-Reader.  There are many other positives that come from having a Kindle (or any other e-Reader):  it's small, packs easily, it's easy to hold and I can "turn the page" with one hand, it's wonderful for travel because it allows me to take a number of books along on a trip without taking up much space and if I run out of books to read, I can download a new one as long as I have some form of internet. 

As a person who travels often, for long periods of time, and to non-English speaking countries, I really can't do without the Kindle.  But...  Do I love it?  Well, I have read 15 books on my Kindle since August, and not one of them made my Favorite Books of 2011 list.

I don't love it, but I couln't quite put my finger on why I didn't.  ... until our recent trip to Sanibel, that is...  One of the first orders of business for my mom and I on the trip was to stop at Sanibel Island Bookshop for some new beach reads.  (Quick plug:  this place is the absolute BEST!  The women that work in the shop will spend 30 minutes with you, talking about books that they've loved and books they think you'll love, based on what you've enjoyed in the past.  In fact, 4 of the 6 books on my favorites list came from this bookshop during last year's vaccation!)  As I was browsing the books, trying to pick out some new favorites, IT HIT ME:  the Kindle is great, but I just don't connect to books when I read them on my e-Reader.  I'm a totally visual and tactile person and there's just something about the feel of a book in my hands and the emotional connection to the cover art that draws me into a book and lets me escape.  I don't like walking through a bookshop and not recognizing books that I've read just weeks earlier.  I like noticing a book I've read and feeling the love that I felt for it when I closed the cover 10 months ago come rushing back to me (I feel the same way when I see my favorite perfume - I know... I'm strange).  I get that with paper books.  I don't get it with Kindle books.  Plus, BONUS, I love the way all of my paper books look stacked on my bookshelves!  I'm sorry, Kindle.  I like you, but I don't love you... 


Here is a list of some of the Kindle books I read that I think I would have loved if I'd read the paper versions:

Sara's Key (I know, I know.  I should probably buy the paperback and read it again because this is one great book).
The Paris Wife I could love this book for the cover alone!  It's not a super happy or warmandfuzzy book, but it's a good one, nonetheless.
How to Love an American Man  As a moderate feminist, I thought I was going to hate this book.  But, for anyone still looking for love, or just looking for a good, heart-warming (and true!) story, this book is a must read.
The Soldier's Wife If you read The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society and loved it (like I did), you'll love this one, too.  Or, if you enjoy historical fiction (with a slightly "love-y" twist), this is a good read.
Joy For Beginners.  I liked this one a lot, but would have had stronger feelings (I'm quite sure) about the paper version.

And here's a book that I got from Sanibel Island Bookshop and read in a day and a half:

Here's another "If you loved Guernsey, you'll love this one" book.  So...  Like I said, I read this in less than two days.  Then, I ran right back to the bookstore to get Jio's first book, The Violets of March.  They didn't have the book for sale, though, but they did have an Advanced Reader's Copy that the author had sent to the bookshop but it wasn't for sale.  The woman working in the bookshop handed me the book and said, "Here.  Read it and bring it back when you're done."  But I was leaving the next day.  So, she said, "Well, just bring it back next time you visit Sanibel."  FOR REAL!  That happened!  I can't wait to read it... (and then take it back next year).

So...  These are my two cents.  I know some of you (mom) to whom I would never DARE give an e-Reader as a Christmas gift and I know others of you who LOVE your e-Readers.  To each their own.

Will I stop using my Kindle? Definitely not. When I take long trips, it will be my go-to reader. But, for the majority of the year, when I'm reading in the comfort of my own bed, paper books with their bright, dreamy covers are where it's at for me... 

What camp are YOU in?  Good, old-fashioned paper books?  Or e-Reader all the way?

A Year of Ups and Downs

Hello Friends,

Well, it's official.  2011 is gone and 2012 is already a couple of days underway.  I very much hope that you all had a couple of nice, restful weeks and enjoyed some time with family and friends. 

While my 2011 was full of lots of ups,

Sanibel, FL

Montpellier, France

Kennebunkport, Maine

Matlab, Bangladesh

Matlab, Bangladesh

Chiayi, Taiwan

Montreal, Quebec

Lincoln, NE

 unfortunately, my family ended the year with some sad news.  On Friday morning, December 30th, my aunt (my mom's sister) Annette passed away.  As you can imagine, this has been a difficult time for our family.  We have been so lucky, though, to have each other and to have the support of some really outstanding friends.  If you are the praying type, please keep my uncle, who lost his loving wife of over 30 years, my cousins, who lost a loving mother, and my mom, who lost her sister, in your prayers.

Thank you all and a very Happy New Year.