As some of you know by now, last week the relationship that I have been in for the last two years (since before I started this blog, in fact) ended.
To be frank with you, I'm not even sure why I'm writing this blog post, because I have absolutely no idea what to say. My emotions are all over the board and I really haven't had more than two organized thoughts about this subject since the breakup occurred.
In the last week, I have felt sad, mad, and scared. Sad about the loss of this relationship and the loss of someone from my life who has been my friend for the last two years. Sad that he couldn't see the future the same way I did. And sad for the loss of all of the good things that came along with this relationship - laughter, vacation plans, family time, closeness, plans for summer fun, shared interests and hobbies, mutual understanding and acceptance of one another. I have also felt mad about, well, a lot of things that I probably don't need to go into on the blog... I have felt scared about the inevitable changes that accompany a broken relationship and about the thought of starting over again. I often feel lonely (although never alone), and occasionally find myself feeling rejected (but, let's be honest - I felt that way when I was in the relationship, too). I have questioned myself and some of my decisions, wondering how I got to be in this position.
In the past week, however, I have also felt profoundly and unwaveringly thankful. Thankful for the opportunity to reconnect with myself and to rejuvenate the part of me that has felt such pain and exhaustion over the last several months - trying to make the relationship work, lobbying relentlessly and ineffectively for my own wants and needs. But, more than anything, thankful for the people in my life who have rallied around me, giving support and showing unconditional love. My wonderful mother and lovely sister - who was kind enough to lend me my nephew for some "happy time" last weekend - know me well enough to know the right things to say. My completely amazing friends here in Lincoln, who have taken me out for drinks, dinners, runs, movies, breakfasts, ice cream (yipes - I'd better be sure to get my run in today...), and dragged me along on a highly comical shopping trip; they have run along side me, listening to me babble on and on, offering constant support and reassurance. And my wonderful friends in Columbia, Indiana, Chicago, Boise, Taiwan, etc., etc., who have offered love and support from afar. Sometimes it takes something crappy happening to remind a person of just how lucky she is. And, clearly, I am very lucky.
Overall, the word that perfectly sums up the last week for me is discombobulated. I am confused and all out of sorts. My feelings change from one minute to the next, and I seem to be having some trouble wrapping my head around what has happened. I'm not sure yet what I want or what I should do. I don't know how to feel or how to act. I want to grieve, but I want to move on. I don't want to obsess, but I want to deal with my feelings (so they don't come back to bite me in the a$$ later on).
Mostly, I want to stop feeling so unsettled. (Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go look up yoga class times for tonight...)