Unsure

Good morning! Although it may not seem it, to me it feels like a long time since I last posted. Although it seems (in my mind) like I have several topics to write on, right now, I just don't have much to say!

My holiday break was pretty much consumed by the H1N1 and PhD applications (which I am happy to report are one step away from being DONE!), and yesterday I started back to the grind. Normally, at the beginning of a new year, I like to take some time to gather my thoughts, clean my room, organize my workspace, get my calendars and schedules all lined up with each other, and set some goals for myself. That hasn't happened yet this year, and it is making me feel sort of uneasy. I have a plan to make a vision board (which I will likely explain and share in a later post) to help remind me of the things, feelings, attitudes I want to keep at the forefront of my mind during the year ahead. However, since I haven't even set any goals or decided exactly what those things are yet, it's significantly slowing the vision board-making process.

I think, maybe, part of the problem is ALL of the ambiguity that lies ahead of me. Between now and May, I have a good idea of the basic things that will be happening in my life: I will be in school, I will train for and run the Lincoln Half Marathon, I will continue living where I am, I will receive a paycheck in the same amount on the same day every month. Once May is over, though, it's all up in the air. I don't know if I will be graduating in May or August, I don't know if I will need to take a calculus class (*gasp*) in the summer, or if I will need to find a summer job (which is a scary thought, considering lots of people can't even find full-time jobs right now), and then, the BIG one... I don't know where I'm going to be living or what program I will be in come August (heck, I don't even know if it will be August or September, as many of the schools start at different times). Ambiguity, being unsure of what lies ahead, the possibility of a lack of security, are very scary things for me. Right now, I am ok with the fact that I don't know anything about school in the fall yet - I've been through this process once before and I'm sure everything will work out. I am struggling with the idea of having to find money over the summer, but that is something I will deal with when the time comes. I think, though, that these major question marks in my life are driving my inability to set goals for myself (that, and the lack of time to really sit down and think about goals) and my lack of inspiration for starting my brand new semester all bright and squeaky clean. So, Sunday night, I wrote down a list of everything that I want to accomplish this MONTH and then everything for this WEEK. And one of my goals for this week is to take care of those beginning of the year tasks that I haven't dealt with yet. I will clean my room and organize my desk so that I have an open space where I can be productive. I will take some time to think about the things that I want for myself this year and what I need to work on (ahem... accepting uncertainty???), then I will take all the time I want to make a clear vision board that will be meaningful to me. I will get my schedule and myself on track for this semester (I am writing my thesis - yikes!). I might even take a bath and have a glass of wine (or a beer - is it unclassy to be in the bathtub with a bottle of beer? maybe as long as it's not a can...).

I officially declare this week the week that I will get my sh*t together! At least for the semester. I can deal with the rest of it when it comes, right???

This morning's intention in yoga was "Embrace the Fear!" I'm reading a great meditational book right now that I'll have to tell you all about later - the intention came from that. Rather than ignoring, hiding, masking our fear, we are supposed to embrace and accept it. I'll get back to you once I figure out why...

I hope you all have had a fabulous start to the new year!